thinking about it only hurts
by supernaturalvogue
Summary: in which it is pamela tanner's eighth death anniversary, and stephanie reaches her breaking point. post 8x22 (all stood up) ; pre 8x23 (michelle rides again pt 1).


MAY 12, 1995

 **9:15 am**

Fog clogs up the windshield as Danny Tanner patiently navigates through typical San Francisco weather. The cemetery is a couple minutes away, and under this type of climate the family would have opted to stay home, but they all knew why they decided otherwise.

Michelle squirms, the seatbelt constricting any unnecessary movement. She could have sworn it was ten times as tight as it usually was. Seated on her left was her older sister Stephanie, whose attention gave focus to the moisture clumped window beside her. She has not uttered a word since Ryan had stood her up by promising to take her to the school dance, thus the family felt it was right that she needed some space. Not only did this contribute to the thirteen year old's somber mood, as DJ was also immersed in endless college preparation. Studying in Berkeley would mean moving out and relocating to a dormitory, and Stephanie had taken this circumstance the hardest.

It had been raining as well, which can further explain why Michelle was strapped tighter. While Danny rarely exceeds thirty five miles per hour ( _yes, even on freeways_ ), slippery roads tend to make him a tad more overprotective than he already was. His eldest huffs out of irritation and mutters to herself, wishing she had ridden with Uncle Jesse instead.

"We're not gonna get there sooner if you keep up this speed, dad."

By this time the heavy precipitation had stopped, weakening to drizzles made possible by leftover water in the atmosphere. Joey, who was seated in front attempted a few Popeye impressions to uplift the mood, to which the three girls cringed at in return.

 _Not today, Joey. Not at your best friend's wife's eighth death anniversary._

Silence had always been deafening to Joseph Gladstone. But today, not even his humor can remedy that somewhat empty feeling they all have.

 **9:35 am**

Minutes later, Danny, Joey and the three girls were joined by Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky, their twins clinging to either of them. Nicky Katsopolis tugs his dad's arm impatiently, which catches Becky's attention.

"Danny, Nicky had a slight fever last night. I hope it's alright that we don't take long."

Danny nods in understanding as they all walk hand in hand to Pamela Tanner's grave.

They watch out for mud puddles through every step they make, knowing that Danny would be mopping for the umpteenth time if they came home leaving footprints on his hardwood floor. A breeze sweeps across the humid environment and the sun is now seen peeking through the dark clouds. Stephanie, albeit for a moment, thinks that today wouldn't be so bad after all.

Pamela Tanner's grave stood right in front of a big oak tree. In a way they all had that sense of guilt, knowing it had been too long since their last visit.

But the adults in the house knew. Her grave was a constant reminder to the girls that their own mother would be missing out on everything from now on. It was not fair to DJ when Pam did not get to see her first born graduate junior high. It was not fair to Stephanie on those little moments throughout the day where she would try so hard to remember but couldn't. It was not fair for Michelle to spend every Mothers' Day wondering what having a mother feels like.

Nothing about this was fair.

 **9:40 am**

As they approached the gravestone, all nine of them formed a circle around it and sat down comfortably on the grass. Each of them began to pray silently, and soon, even small talks were silenced.

It all seemed like time was gradually slowing down. _But that was because every second, every moment, every prayer counted._

Suddenly, Nicky's twin Alex pleaded free from his mother's grasp and stood on his own two feet. Bringing his right hand to his face, he placed a soft kiss on his fingers before running them through the stone's inscription of Pam's name. The precious sight generated warm smiles from the rest and gave Uncle Jesse an idea.

"Hey," He gestured each of them to pay attention.

"Why don't we try something different?"

This prompted Joey to raise an eyebrow. _What else were you supposed to do at a cemetery besides praying?_

"I know my sister's somewhere up there, listening,"

"And I'm sure she would like to hear about what's been going on in our lives, instead of us just coming here to mourn about her absence."

"What are you trying to say?" DJ questioned curiously. Truth be told, she was sick of mourning. They've done that each time they payed visits in the past. She just felt like the routine needed a change.

"Why don't we hold hands," Jesse extended his palms to his sides as the others followed, intertwining their fingers.

"And each tell her what our highs and lows were for the past five months?"

Everybody seemed to take interest in the idea as Stephanie raised her hand.

"May I go first? I feel like I owe her a few explanations," her voice trailed.

It was an understatement to say that the family was surprised once she opened her mouth to speak, but they gave her the floor nonetheless.

Stephanie cleared her throat as her mind debated on what words to use.

"I... well," she began, feeling a shiver creeping up her spine. _Was it wrong to feel conscious? Did the ratio of highs to lows really matter?_ This was her family for god's sake. She needed to be honest with them, she needed to be honest with herself.

Michelle placed a reassuring hand on her back and gave her a soft smile. _It was okay._

She gathered the courage to speak before continuing.

"I'm gonna start with my lows because I have a lot more of those, at least from the last five months,"

Taking a deep breath, she addressed her mother and talked all about how she had been stood up by the boy she really liked. The more she talked, the more relaxed she became. She was so sure Pam was listening. She was of course not physically present, but she was convinced she was there.

"And then," she sighed. What she was about to say next still traumatized her personally. She didn't like whenever somebody would bring up the subject either.

"Gia and I went joyriding with two other boys we met at the mall," This earned her a look from Danny. It wasn't the stern face she received once he found out about the incident, though. He wanted her to keep going.

"I was mad at DJ, she practically interrogated me. And I was about to go out and do it again that same night but she made me stop. Thank god she did."

Stephanie kept a straight face for a moment before breaking down into tears, remembering her dad's words to how injured Gia had been, let alone being lucky enough to survive. She could have gone through the same if it weren't for DJ.

Hearing these words, her older sister instinctively enveloped her arms around Stephanie, who buried her face on her shoulders.

"I see her in you, Deej," she whispered.

Confused at first, Donna Jo soon realized what she meant. She didn't need an explanation.

Jesse couldn't help but tear up at the sight of DJ and Stephanie sharing such moments. He hated seeing any of his nieces cry.

"What about your high points, Steph?" Michelle asked as her sister's whimpers subsided, hoping that recalling happier thoughts would cheer her up.

Stephanie brushed away her tears with her thumbs and thought for a moment. Her mind had been so focused on the low points.

"Well… I formed 'Girl Talk' with Gia," a smile crept through her face, her eyes finding Jesse's.

"Our performance at the Smash Club was way below expectations though…"

Jesse chuckled at the thought, taking pride at being a part of something that once meant so much to Stephanie. 'Girl Talk' might have given more importance to their looks than developing their musical prowess, but he was glad she gave it a shot.

"You have a brilliant ear, Steph. Don't let that experience hold you back."

The smile from earlier never left her face. Things were lighting up and it felt good.

"I won't."

 **10:10 am**

After everybody else's own share of high and low points, it was time to head home.

While the others were making their way back to their respective vehicles, Stephanie opted to stay behind. After carefully placing a rose adjacent to the stone, she positioned both her hands on it one last time and closed her eyes. She swore she felt some human contact at the back of her hands.

"Thanks for getting me to open up, mom. You have no idea how much I needed this."


End file.
